Negotiation is not something that most of us tend to think about, but it is a skill that we use every day, whether we realize it or not. Alexandra Carter, a Clinical Professor of Law and Director of the Mediation Clinic at Columbia Law School, knows this better than anyone. She has spent the past eleven years helping people to improve their negotiation skills and step confidently (and enthusiastically!) into their future.
In this episode, we dive into the long-lost art of negotiation, including the importance of body language, how to listen for the things left unsaid, and why negotiating starts from within. Listen in as we cover the gender gap in negotiating, how we can close that gap, and Alex’s answers to your burning questions on negotiating with confidence.
What You’ll Learn:
Why the first five questions to negotiate anything come from within.
The importance of body language in negotiation.
How to handle conflict with your teens.
Why financial literacy is especially important for women.
The best way to negotiate with your spouse.
How to ask (and get!) a promotion.
Ideas Worth Sharing:
“Most of negotiation is listening, hearing the words people say, and hearing how they say it.” - Alexandra Carter
"We think that being nice means accepting the first offer.” - Alexandra Carter
“The world would completely change if we taught 10-year-olds how to negotiate and solve conflict.” - Alexandra Carter
Resources:
EPISODE 35
ALEXANDRA CARTER
TRANSCRIPT:
*Please note that transcripts are auto-transcribed, they are for reference only and may contain typos*
Molly Dare 0:07
Hello friends welcome to On Air with Molly Dare. I am starting to do these kind of pre pre episode conversations to kind of give you my takeaways and what to look forward to and in today's episode, but also want to just share what's going on each week with me because there's so much going on. And there's so much to talk about. And I just thought, as we rebrand and relaunch this podcast and the website and the spotlight series and everything that's going on that I just wanted to share with you week by week, what's going on and how each episode relates, relates to that. So in this week's episode, we have the amazing Alex Carter and I wanted to have Alex on because she is just one of the best negotiation experts I've ever heard. And I just think negotiation, the art of negotiation is so important. I think it needs to be brought back into sport and brought back I don't think it was ever there in schools, as life skills, negotiation, and the skill set for negotiation has been so important. But you know, in all things in relationships with your children in business, in friendships, I think it's an important skill set to have. And this episode is just chock filled with with information. And you just such value on how to approach different negotiations, we get really specific on, you know, negotiating with your team, negotiating for that promotion. Again, you know, my point in this podcast is to inspire and motivate you to go after what you're dreaming about wanting in your life. And I think nothing should hold you back. And so as each person comes on for each episode, I hope that they give you a little nugget, little little push to to move in that direction. And I apologize for the nasal the sound in my voice this week, I am recovering from an upper respiratory infection, you guys, it almost did me in. It is not COVID I was tested, and fully vaccinated just putting that out there. But I did test because I mean, that's just what we all do when we get sick these days. And it was negative and goodness. But this has been a doozy. I have been admittedly pushing myself a little hard these past few weeks. I think a lot of us are making up for lost time these past few months, just from the year that we've all had. And now that I've been able to travel again and get out there and you know resume the spotlight series which was put on hold for the past year and a half is has gotten me so excited and so motivated to get back doing what I love. And I also, you know, was speaking at an event the Breakfast of Champions event in New York City, they had 25 of us speakers, a lot of us from Clubhouse, who all got together for this incredible three day event. I can't say how wonderful it was to be around people together, talking about what we love inspiring each other just being together and the human interaction. Finally, it felt like honestly, we were all staying in this amazing hotel. It's called the Borough. It's in Long Island City, actually. But the views of New York City are exceptional. I mean, breathtaking. from not only the rooms, but this incredible rooftop where you can watch the sunset at night over the city. It's just one of the most stunning things. It just feels so lucky to to have been there and met some of my favorite humans on the planet. And you know, we were all in different hotel rooms. We felt like we were in Friends, you know, an episode of friends because we would take the elevator down to one friends and then up to the other and then I would have a late night pizza party and everyone would come to my room at like midnight. Like we were back in college. It was just a blast. They had the best time there. And you know, I didn't start feeling sick till probably, you know, right after I interviewed Keith, which was on Monday, and then I went out to dinner with my friend Rachel Weintraub. Which if you don't know Rachel Weintraub, you guys get to know Rachel Weintraub she was a producer on the view. She worked with Gayle King, Barbara Walters. I mean, just to name a few. I was lucky enough to have dinner with her. If you saw my Instagram, she's the one that sent me that amazing cake that I showed off on there. She's just an exceptional human being doing amazing things as well. And it wasn't until kind of after that, that I started getting like that scratch in the throat and like the congestion, but I was going home the next day. So I didn't think much of it. And then you know, the next day I got to the airport, it was one of those like nightmare security lines. And all I wanted to do was get home I had my little dog with me. I had, you know, all my stuff. I had been away from my kids for like 10 days and I just wanted to be home in my bed with my girls. And I got to the security line and it's like 12 serpentine deep and I'm like oh crap. So I go up to the security officer and I'm like, my flight leaves, you know, in an hour Am I gonna make it and they're like, well, I don't know. But this isn't the start of the line. You got to go down the escalator to get in the To get up the escalator to get in this line. I'm like you're kidding. Oh, so I go down the escalator and there's another 12 serpentines of lines. And I just wanted to cry, but I did have faith because there were 13 other people in line with me all getting on the flight to Palm Beach and like there's no way that they're going to have this light leave with 13 of us still missing. So we weren't made our way through the line it was still you know, 25 minutes 20 minutes until the flight leaves and I know that it says that you have 10 minutes until departure to get there that they do not close the doors. So we booked it we ran I had one my dog in one arm and all my bags in the running through the airport quite the site and I get to the gate 15 minutes prior to departure and the door literally closes in my face and I said you got to be kidding and this is where Alex Carter negotiation tactics would have come in handy you guys that I should have filmed this episode before because this guy was not letting me on the flight and I'm like this plane is still there it hasn't even left you just close the door I know you can just let me right on and I said there's 13 other people behind me We all want to get on this flight home and he was not budging you guys. So I went to customer service along with the other 13 that they did not let on the flight. United I hope you're listening because this was this is not good. And I went to the customer service and the person right before me got on the the last seat on the next flight out that night. And you guys all I wanted was to be home. I was not feeling well it was hitting me full force. No fever, just sore throat congestion headache. So needless to say, I did not get on that flight. They booked me on the first flight out that morning at 630. I went to an airport hotel where I did not get much sleep because when I tell you it hit me and hit me got up at 430 got on the flight flew home.
Molly Dare 6:50
Got my suitcase, which made it on the flight before had to locate that my suitcase made it to Palm Beach but I did not then you know I eventually located my suitcase made it home and went to bed for about three days. I tested myself for COVID just to make sure it was negative. And they just said I had an upper respiratory infection and to rest but you guys this one knocked me out cold. I strongly encourage anyone who's feeling sick COVID or not to if you have an IV therapy place that is what made the difference for me. I got an IV of hydration vitamin C zinc, you name it, whatever they could throw in that concoction. I said throw it on it. And within hours of that I really felt that I turned the corner. So that is what I've been dealing with this past week. I hope that you all are well doing better than I have a little rest and relaxation is on order for this week. And then I'm going to be back at it filming again. I have a lot of travels coming up. I hope you're following I hope you're following this spotlight series and hillenBRAND media and of course On Air with Molly Dare. And I will stop rambling because I want you to listen to this incredible episode. Definitely one of my favorites, such important information for getting yourself what you want and need and deserve. So I hope you enjoy this episode with Alex Carter.
Hello and welcome to On Air with Molly Dare. I'm your host Molly Dare, founder of hillenBRAND Media, executive producer of the spotlight series and single mom of two girls passionate about sharing other's stories and journeys to hopefully inspire you to pursue your own dreams and passions. On today's episode, we have Alex Carter, world renowned negotiation trainer from people all over the world, including the United Nations, fortune 100 companies, US government and so many more. A clinical professor of law and director of the mediation clinic at Columbia Law School, author of The Wall Street Journal bestseller asked for more 10 questions to to negotiate anything. Alex, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today.
Alex Carter 8:54
Oh my gosh, Molly, I've been looking forward to this. I'm happy to be here.
Molly Dare 8:58
Oh, me too. Me too. I first heard you on clubhouse. I, everyone knows that I love clubhouse. And I heard you offering negotiation tips in a room and I was just sitting there in the audience riveted because I really I never even thought about how important negotiation is in life and how it encompasses every single aspect of life in relationships, and with your kids in your workplace. It's everywhere and how important it is to have even just the most basic tools of negotiation to get what you want out of this life. So I just you know I've always been a huge fan of yours and I I'm so thrilled to have you today and so excited for my audience to get to know you as well. So I'd love to always begin asking my guests to tell me a little bit about them when they were younger we see you now and this Polished professional. So were you were you the the friend who was like negotiating everybody like in the friend group is like as a child
Alex Carter 10:00
Oh my gosh, that's so interesting. Well, first of all, thank you, I think you have been one of the best parts of clubhouse for me truthfully, it's meeting people that you can really connect with. And there's something about that format. It's kind of like a podcast, right? Where, because we can't see each other, we're almost more candid. And so I feel like I've shared things on there that I really haven't shared elsewhere. But oh my gosh, back to childhood. You know, Molly, I think, people imagine that I must have been like the complete shark, right, like, starting in first grade, I was like, okay, you're gonna give me five stickers, and I'm gonna give you to that type of thing. And I really wasn't, I actually was relatively shy and quiet. I was a big bookworm. I also had really severe asthma, which meant that I was in the hospital, like one to two times a year, I couldn't really do a lot of outdoor play with other kids. And so, as a result, I felt like I was on the outside looking in. But what that did for me, Molly was when you're the quiet kid in the corner, you're observing a lot. And I observed a lot about the way people related to each other about a lot of those unwritten rules you talked about. It's not just the money conversations. It's like every conversation. And I feel like I was absorbing and dissecting and really digging deep into those conversations. It wasn't until college and later that I ended up figuring out when I was talking to people about an issue or a cause that I had a lot to say, and I could get out there and make friends. I told this story just once before, but my freshman year of college to get over this social anxiety, I decided that I was going to run for student government and knock on every single door in the freshman class. And so I got out and did that. And I cried on every floor, Molly, I would go, I would knock on all the doors, talk to people hear what was important to them. And then I would go into the ladies bathroom, cry and move to the next floor. But once I got on Student Government, I felt like okay, I really have something to say. And one of the things that I'm passionate about is, so many of us feel as though we are shy, we don't have it all together, we're on the sidelines. And I want to help everybody, but I especially want to help those folks who feel like they haven't been part of the conversation, to let you know that if you're good at relationships, if you're good at building trust with people, congratulations, you are a great negotiator. And I want to help you.
Molly Dare 12:50
I love that. And I love that you bring that up about kind of us introverts and people are surprised as well when I say that I am an introvert. And honestly, I spent my life to kind of getting others to share their stories and to put the spotlight on others. And it's only and I'm gonna thank clubhouse for this as well, where it's like, I got to speak and I got to share my voice and it's like, oh, people actually care what I have to say to you. And I think going back to what you said about being introverted is that it does give you I mean, there's a lot of positives about the introverts, okay, out there, I just do want to say that, but it does allow you to observe and watch human interaction instead of being like involved in and thinking about what you're gonna say next, as the extroverts, you know, do, you're watching and you're absorbing so, so much. And I think the people who are really just brilliant in the in the human interaction field, are very introverted, because they've learned how to, to listen, to hear and not to respond immediately. And I think that's an important thing.
Alex Carter 13:49
That is number one, Molly, most of negotiation is listening. It's hearing the words people say, it's observing how they say it, what their face is telling you what their body is telling you. It's also hearing the words that people don't say, you know, the silences, the spaces, and all of that together, is what's going to enable you actually to connect with people. And that's just the foundation of negotiation. This is part of the reason I wanted to write a book, which I know we're going to get to, but the book is about asking questions about how that is the superpower in negotiation, because whether you're an entrepreneur, whether you're in a corporate job, whether you're a mom trying to negotiate with girls like both of us are doing, if you ask the right question, the powerful question and you listen to the answer, you full stop are going to have better conversations and better outcomes in every area of life.
Molly Dare 14:57
And I want to touch on what you said there because you You said something which is so important is what is not being said. And kind of watching the body language, how important is body language too?
Alex Carter 15:07
Oh my gosh, it is everything. You know, it's interesting because during this pandemic, we've been virtual, we've been at a distance from one another. And there really is something that can be lost when you're not in the same room, and you can't observe the full body. And part of the reason we get so tired from the zoom interactions is that our brains are working harder to make the most of the little tile that we're able to see. Right? If all you can see is the face and the neck and the upper torso, maybe the hands. That's much more limited information. But I've seen so much Molly, I've seen in high stakes negotiations, I asked someone if a deal is going to work for them. And they will tell me Yes, while shaking their head. No, I cannot tell you, for example, how often that happens. And I will play that back. I will say to the person, you know, Molly, I just want to reflect that. Your words told me Yes. But your face just told me? No. So what's your concern? What have we missed here that we should address for you? Right? It's not too late. You don't have to sign this. Let's talk. And you can see the look of relief on the person's face, as they say Actually, yes, I do have a concern. Let's talk about it.
Molly Dare 16:32
That is so interesting, and incredibly helpful. I want to go back to to your childhood and growing up. So you are a child of divorce. And my two girls are too, what did it What did that teach you about life and negotiation? If anything?
Alex Carter 16:48
Oh, so many things. It's interesting, Molly, how we can go through so many things as adults, and yet divorce even as a kid. experiencing it secondhand is really painful, right? I would say for me as a woman in particular. I remember being in court. And my father had always worked. And he himself was a high powered lawyer. My mom was a school teacher. And I remember watching his lawyer destroy hers in court. And in all candor, right then and there I resolved, I'm going to law school, I will never be in a position of disadvantage, I will always be able to protect and defend myself. And so what's so interesting is that I am a lawyer, I went to law school. But instead of going to law school to learn how to be a divorce lawyer and help perpetuate that dynamic. I went into mediation, which helps people avoid it. And it helps people resolve conflict, where possible in a healthy way outside of court, so that hopefully, we are avoiding some of that pain and some of that trauma that, you know, I had to experience as a kid.
Molly Dare 18:13
And I've heard you talk about being financially sufficient on your own and how important that is to you. And I know for a lot of my listeners, though, there are a lot of entrepreneurial, strong women listening, how important is financial literacy, especially for women.
Alex Carter 18:28
It is so so important, Molly, and I just want to say, women, it is fine to talk about money. It's not just fine. It's good to talk about money. I think Molly, we somehow absorbed this message growing up. And part of it relates to what I do, which is teaching people how to ask for more, we think we should settle for the minimum, we think it's more important to be nice. We think being nice means accepting the first offer, right? It's not possible to be nice and collaborative, and also want to be fully valued in terms of money. And then we also think it's not polite for us to talk about how much we make, right and how we steward our money. And the the opposite is true. Now is the time it's never been more acceptable or even celebrated in female circles for us to get together and say, I've had people Molly, slide into my DMS and say, Hey, Alex, how much are you getting paid for a speaking engagement because I just got an offer from this place. And here's what they offered me and it feels low. And I have responded to say yes, that is low. Here's what I got paid. Go in and ask for this. Right. This is what we can be doing for each other. And so I'm wondering if that resonates for you and what you're hearing from your audience?
Molly Dare 19:55
Oh, absolutely. And I think I mean, I I preach on this all the time, especially for For Women in Business who are starting out in business, they're nervous to put a cost right under what they're offering. And like, oh, gosh, that's so much. It's so much. And I always am like, Listen, they're not just paying for that 30 minutes that one hour with you. They're paying for the 20 years of experience that got to that 30 minutes with you and your connections, your network, everything you've done, are you kidding me add a zero or two on to that because the add up 20 years of work and time and lessons learned and failures, what you learn from those, and doing it again, and difficult clients and all of that. I'm so passionate about it, too, and feeling proud of your of what you're charging? You know, it's never enough.
Alex Carter 20:41
Oh, my God, Molly. Okay, so listeners, you can't see me, but I've been dancing in my chair during the entirety of what you just heard from Molly. Yes, it is not, you're not being paid for time, period. Okay, I can do now in 30 minutes would it would have taken me days to do in my 20s if I could do it at all. So number one, you are being paid for your experience, as Molly just said, right. And imagine a private coaching scenario. You know, this is the type of thing where whatever that person is coming to you with you are bringing the sum total of everything you have to bear for that 30 minute conversation, your education, your life experiences, your databank of what you've done for previous clients, all of that goes into it. But Molly, that's, that's part of the equation, the other is the value. So, you know, negotiation is about numbers. But I always tell people, it's also about messages. It's about how you frame up the value you are offering, the expertise you provide, and what the result is going to be for the person. And so when I'm going in to, for example, do keynote speaking for organizations, they are not paying for 60 minutes of my time, they are paying for my body of work, my experience, and then the results I get for organizations. And you know, imagine, for example, that you have a five figure fee, okay, per hour, as many of your clients and as I do, okay, imagine that you have a five figure fee. One way to think about that is Ooh, I charge x for an hour. Another way to think about it is when I come in and speak, I help people reduce attrition and get bigger results from their deals. If they save just one person from leaving, as a result of my talk, they are going to save 30 to $100,000 just on that person alone. And when you frame it that way, doesn't it seem like a worthwhile expense?
Molly Dare 22:55
You can argue with that? I love that. Yeah, no, that is so good. So let's get to your book that just came out just this past May if I am correct,
Alex Carter 23:06
it's may 2020. My friends say may 2020. Okay, yeah, we're all in a time warp phone during the void
Molly Dare 23:16
this past year and a half just to come all combined in like one just a period of time, does it? Yes, it certainly does. What do you hope people will first tell me a little bit about the book and then what you hope people will walk away after reading this book knowing?
Alex Carter 23:29
Yeah, absolutely. So the book is Ask for More: 10 questions to negotiate anything. And Molly, that is the book now is 10 chapters 10 questions. And here's how it's divided. So the first five questions are what I call the mirror. And that is because Molly when I looked out at all of the negotiation books and the literature that's out there, and let's face it, there are lots of negotiation books. That's also a lesson for if you're an entrepreneur in a field where there are other people, don't hesitate, get out and offer what you have, right, because you can still provide great value. And one of the things that I noticed was, people were starting their books from the moment they sat down at the table with someone else. And by that point, the negotiation is more than half over. Because the first negotiation you have in any circumstance is in the mirror. Right? How many of the people you counsel Molly are who are in your community have told you that they psyched themselves out of something, they decided they didn't deserve something before they went in, so they didn't even ask for it. Or it might be somebody who right now is considering you know, I'm in a corporate job, I'm really unfulfilled. I feel totally burnt out. I have this entrepreneurial thing. I'm not sure if I should turn this into my you know, full time gig or not. That is also an internal negotiation. So Asking yourself just a few good questions can help you tremendously for that internal negotiation. Then the second five questions are what I call the window. And here's where I want to help you open up a window between you and the other person so that you are having a better conversation. And people who asked the right questions first, once they sit down with somebody else, get more money at the table. I mean, they also get better relationships, but they do better financially. And knowing these pieces of information, right, that a lot of the negotiation is in the mirror. And that questions are the superpower, I wanted to write a book that was going to give people both. And what I hope they take from this book is that everybody can be a great negotiator. I don't care whether you're a woman, I don't care whether you grew up, economically disadvantaged, and nobody was giving you negotiation or stock tips at the dinner table. And I don't care, right, whether you know, even maybe you're a man, and you have felt as though you know, I'm a relationship guy. And I traditionally don't negotiate or I'm an introvert, whoever you are, there are simple tips that you can use, I promise that just once you read them, it's going to change your life. And so you know, don't believe the hype. It's not just for, you know, law enforcement, right, or people who sell cars for a living, you too can do it, I promise. And you're still going to be able to hold on to your values and feel great when you do.
Molly Dare 26:40
I love that. And as we were saying before we started recording is how important I feel negotiation tips tactics are in life in it. And even when I put the question box in my Instagram story today, the the diverse field of questions about negotiations, whether it's with your children, whether it's in your home, whether it's at work, it encompasses everything, and to have that groundwork, that ground level of just knowledge of things you can do to simplify that process to gain that confidence to go in confidently to have those negotiations is so important. I think that they need to install and maybe in high school or even middle school classes on just negotiation like I mean, it's such an important skill, like a life skills class, I think is important. Entrepreneurship, all the things.
Alex Carter 27:25
I mean, how old are your daughters, Molly, though?
Molly Dare 27:27
I have a 13 and 15 year old two girls.
Alex Carter 27:29
Yeah. Okay. I see. You're ahead of me. I'm going to be looking to you for guidance. I have a ten year old, and the friendship dynamics are intense. Right? Oh, my God. It's oh my gosh, here. And I was like, God, I You know, I thought I had more time. And we talk negotiation every day. Right? How do I handle this? And a lot of it is, what might this person be feeling? What do you think is underneath the words that they're saying to you? Right? Yeah, question, might you be able to ask instead of accusing them of XYZ, it the world would completely change? If we taught 10 year olds, right, where people in middle school, how to negotiate and resolve conflict. Not only would it help, I think, you know, resolve potential violence later in life, but especially for women. Molly, do you know, there's research that came out this year that shows the gender gap in negotiation? And how much girls ask for starts at age eight? Wow, age eight, wow. Where girls, if they are faced with a senior woman will ask for the same amount as boys. When they are asking an adult man, they asked for less. And so truly, part of my mission is not just to say to my daughter, here's what you should do. But it's to model it for her. I don't just want her to hear me talk about asking for more. I want her to watch mom go out and boldly live out her calling for her life. Because even more than the kids are listening. They're watching, right? Isn't that always the case?
Molly Dare 29:21
I love that so much. It reminds me of a quote that someone said to you, you put it in one of your Instagram posts that when you went into ask for your first negotiation, and I hope I jotted it down right it was when you teach someone how to value you. You teach them how to value all of us. And if you don't go in there asking for more for yourself. I want you to do it for your sisterhood.
Alex Carter 29:42
Yes, that got me almost verbatim. I mean, it was the this was the advice Molly that truly changed the trajectory of my life. This was my first salary negotiation. Do you know and by this point, I had been trained In negotiation, I had taken courses. But the truth is, I was the person who was great for other people. Think about it. You know how many of you listening to this, if it's for your client, if it's for people who report to you at work, if it's for your friends or your family, and they need something, you will do anything, you will be fearless, you will not apologize. But when it comes to you, you think somehow, this is selfish, right? As though I go for this, it's going to mean less for Molly or less for other people. And the opposite is true. When you ask for more, you normalize it, you teach people how to value women. And so if you are a service minded person, like many people are, especially entrepreneurs, right? People get into it, because they want to change the world. If you want to do that, ask for more. It's not just going to make things better for you, it's going to build more seats at that table for other people to sit.
Molly Dare 31:02
I love that so much. That is so powerful to me. Alright, so let's get to a few of the questions, I may have to have you back another time to get to all of the questions. Um, if I'm going to hit, maybe have time for like three or four. Okay, so let's see which ones should we should we start with? Okay, so I have a question come in, about how to negotiate with a spouse. These are very specifics. Some of them are broad. Um, okay, so how do I negotiate with my spouse over roles in the home when we are both working outside of the home? So I guess, how do you have that conversation? of who's who has what role within the home when they're both bringing in, you know, finances from working outside the home?
Alex Carter 31:50
Okay, excellent question. And I will say, Molly, I actually wrote an article for parents magazine on this topic, right. So if anyone out there, you can do a search, and it's in parents magazine. But here's some of the things I've talked about. Number one, I think timing is key. Okay. I have personally found that if I'm, you know, asking for something, whether it's of my spouse, or whether it's at work, you know, Friday night, when my husband collapses in a heap and says, God, I'm so burnt out, that was such a long week, that's not going to be the moment that I say, so let's talk about the dishes. Right? Okay. So I would say timing is really important that conversations that we've had in the home, about space, like who gets what space to work, or even allocation of household duties, I have found that a good time, for example, in our home is Sunday afternoon, right? Because people are kind of chilled from the weekend. And that's a good moment. Okay. Number two, and this is something you must do before you sit down with your spouse. So often, Molly, we come in, and we know what we don't want, we know we have a problem, right? Like, okay, so, you know, we're having an issue with the dishes, or whatever this person might be, she just might be feeling mental load, you want to think carefully about what the problem is that you are trying to solve. Okay. As an example, early on, in the pandemic, I got really frustrated with my husband, because he had the office with the door, and I was working from the kitchen table, I don't know if this is familiar to anyone or the dining room table wherever I could get space. And I just felt all this resentment boiling up. And part of it was right, I don't have a good space, and I'm doing all this work. But part of it was, I wonder if he respects my work. I wonder if I respect my work, you know, I want my work to be taken seriously by me and by everybody in this home. And I realized that that was actually the problem I wanted to solve. And so I went to him. And so once I figured out the problem I wanted to solve right, which was I need dedicated space, and I need respect for my work. I went to him and I asked him an open question. Okay, so, first, you're going to choose your timing. Second, you're going to think not about the things that bug you but the real problem you want to solve. Okay. And then the last is to ask good questions. And what I mean by good questions is not accusatory or closed questions. Okay. So for example, a closed question might be, you know, can I have the office this week? That doesn't settle anything? that's a that's a yes or no, it doesn't open up the discussion. And even worse question, Molly is one that starts with my least favorite word. Why? Do not ask your partner a conversation a question starting with Why? Because when you ask why you get a because you get defensive justification that actually doesn't give you good information to move forward. So instead of saying, Why do you always get the office with the door, right, which is kind of an accusatory question, and it's going to shut him down. I like to ask questions, starting with what, or tell me. So, this in this occasion, I said, Tell me about your week, let's open up our calendars. So my husband opened up his calendar, and he had lots of document review. And lots of voice only calls. I opened up my calendar, and I had podcast interviews, media keynotes, classes, and we looked at these two calendars. And I lied, I'm gonna give one more tip, I was silent, give people silence. And I was silent. And I let him Look at those. And we're silent for a minute. And he's like, wow, I think you should have the office with the door. I was like, I agree, thank you so much, be great. So truly, there are a few simple things you can do. Right? timing, define your problem, ask open questions, and then allow for silence. And that is what's going to help you then open up that conversation about some of that stuff in the home.
Molly Dare 36:17
That is so so good. And so helpful. So helpful. For me, personally, I don't know about that. I can I can speak for myself, and I'm sure the audience as well. Alright, so another another topic was children. And I, this is a question that I have as well. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna get more specific than they did. So they their question was, how do you deal with conflict with, with teens with, with, with, with children, on curfews and that kind of thing, and I'll say, specifically, you know, for me, as well, it's, you know, I have two teen girls, who are, who are, you know, wanting to hang out with their friends and wanting all that freedom, and I believe in giving certain amount of independence and freedom, but also asking for the respect that they abide by the rules, and that's how they earn more freedom, but would love to know, you know, obviously, negotiating with a 13, or 15 year old is different than you would negotiate with an adult? Or is it?
Alex Carter 37:10
That's so interesting, I actually would negotiate the same way, I have to tell you, I find that certainly at that age, but even younger, I negotiate with my 10 year old the way I would with an adult. And this comes Molly from I've now taught negotiation to many, many different groups, right, the UN, fortune 100, as you mentioned, lots of adults, I've also taught 10 year old girls. And what I have found is that most human beings, regardless of age, really want the same things. They want a voice, they want to be able to express their viewpoint. And they want a choice or agency, they want to participate in the solution to the problem. And so if you are giving your child those two things, that's going to be a really successful conversation. I'll give you an example. So Molly, when I talked about in the spouse example, defining the problem to solve, this also helps with kids. Let me give you a specific example. In my case, it was screentime. Okay, so it for you could be phone, right. But I feel like during this pandemic, it's been really hard with the kids on the screens. And I saw my daughter bingeing out on her Chromebook, watching YouTube. And I one day had this wave of anger, like, I wanted to walk over, slam the Chromebook shot and be like, we are done, okay. But I took a moment and I thought, okay, I don't want Chromebook use. What do I want? Like, what's the problem I'm trying to solve? So in your case, it's not, I don't want my daughters to stay out too late. It's focusing on what is your goal? What do you want? And that's what's going to help you talk to them, right? So instead of going over to my daughter and saying, shut the damn Chromebook, which is what I really wanted to do, I picked a moment picked my timing. And I said, you know, I've been thinking about the Chromebook. And I know that sometimes I complained to you about it. And I sat down to figure out what I really wanted. And what's really concerning me is making sure you have time to read. Okay, so I'm wondering what your thoughts are on how we can help you make more time to read, write and also be able to do some of the Chromebook that you want it to do. And, you know, she came up with an incentive system on her own, that for every 20 pages she read, she would earn a certain amount of screentime right? So Truly, I find that when you present a positive problem, and then you treat them like a partner in the problem solving, it's not perfect their kids right there, they're gonna mess up and I'm gonna mess up, but it creates such a more positive conversation and a wondering How that how that strikes you for your,
Molly Dare 40:03
that's incredibly helpful. And I know because immediately when I go in like angry or you know, aggressive or whatever, it's immediately defensive right on her. And so she's not going to hear she's not going to come up with a solution of any kind. But if I came in just going from what you just said, I came in as it really matters to me that you're well rested, and that you get, you know, nine hours of sleep, that's really important to me. How can we make sure that whatever time you get home tonight that you will get that nine hours so that you're not cranky? And that we get the work done that we have to get done tomorrow?
Alex Carter 40:34
I love it and see how it like that is it's so positive, right? Yeah. The other countries different problem. It's positive, it's constructive. And also, when you're talking about well rested, you know, another thing you can point out is how that benefits them. Right? Yeah. It's not just mom who benefits when you're cranky. Right? Right, you then have so much more ability to enjoy your day and do all the things you want to do. So how can we make that happen?
Molly Dare 41:02
I love that. Oh, my gosh, that that you just changed the whole dynamic in my household.
Alex Carter 41:06
Okay, well, I expect a report, right. So we're gonna we're gonna do check ins? We'll have we'll have check ins on how it's going.
Molly Dare 41:13
For me, they let me give you one more. Let's see. I mean, actually, I really did. I think I got like, 20 questions that we'll just do one more today, we'll do a whole other episode. Let's go into let's go into the promotion, as I think that's something that a lot of people have on their mind. They everybody wants more, when feels that they're, you know, they're deserving of more or a better title or a bigger responsibility within their organization. How do you go in to ask for that promotion?
Alex Carter 41:40
Oh, I love this question. Okay, I'm like stretching in my chair, I'm getting ready. So first of all, you want to set the stage Well, before the performance review, okay, so what I want people to remember when you're going for a promotion, you know, it's not about the one day that you go in to ask, it's about what you're doing, and how you're teaching people to think about you and value you the other 364 days of the year. And so if you're going for a promotion in the next cycle, whenever that is at your company, a bunch of things you can do. Number one, treat it like a campaign, think about who your allies and advocates are, you know, within the organization, because, yes, you're going to speak up for yourself, and you're going to talk about your work. But you also want other people lined up to be able to say, I've worked with Molly, and this was outstanding, right, or I've seen her leadership abilities on this project. So line up your allies and advocates, you know, the second thing is make your work visible. So I think we struggle, sometimes Molly to talk about what we have accomplished. This is something that I talk to people about a lot, even at major companies. And it's amazing to me how even senior women really have trouble saying like, I lead this team to this result, or I spearheaded this. And I assure you that many men do not have the same qualms, they will just go out and talk boldly about who they are and what they have done. And so what I want to let people know is, there is a way to claim your expertise and claim credit, while also being collaborative. You know, I'm incredibly proud to have led this team to this result. And I'd like to shout out the people who contributed to this result, right? I, I did this. And also I had tremendous support, let me amplify those individuals. And so with that frame, I want you to be repeatedly checking in with your manager and saying, Oh, I'm forwarding this terrific feedback, we got really proud of this result, thanks for your support, and continuing to make it visible. Even if you're at a distance, right, which makes it harder for people sometimes they can't just go lean in the doorway of their boss and say, Oh, hey, we got this great feedback, you have to be intentional, send an email, set up a call and give that great feedback that you've been getting less than I would say is, so many people, you know, during this pandemic have taken on extra job responsibilities. So if you have a job description already in the can for the job that you were hired in to write the job description for the one that you're doing now. Show them everything that you've been doing above and beyond. And then when you go into ask armed with all of this Molly, what you're going to do is you're basically going to ask with this formula. It's called the I, we, here's what I'm asking for, and here's how we are all going to benefit. So in other words, Molly, you know, I know this has been a challenging year for the company. And I also know That when I'm in this position, I'm going to be able to deliver seamlessly what I have been doing for the last 12 months and beyond. Right? And so you're talking about, here's what I'm requesting, but you're also showing them in the process, how you are writing their victory speech. And that is the key to really getting what you want in negotiation.
Molly Dare 45:24
Oh, my gosh, Mic drop. That is amazing. That is so, so good. Where were you 20 years ago? All those things. And five years ago, I 10 years ago, um, there's so many times that it comes into play.
Alex Carter 45:36
The truth is Molly, that 20 years ago, I wasn't always doing this stuff for myself, right? And the truth is, I'm sure I could say this have you to my goal in life is to be the person that I needed and didn't always have 20 years ago. And for any of you who are listening to this and saying, Oh, geez, I wish I had done this 20 years ago, it's never too late to start valuing yourself, the best time to start is today. And if you're tired today, get up and start again tomorrow. Truly, it's never too late. You're never too far behind. You can always learn how to value yourself and ask for more
Molly Dare 46:17
Amazing. Alex, for those who are listening today. where's the best place that they can contact you reach you watch you listen to you all the things?
Alex Carter 46:24
Oh, yeah, absolutely. So I hang out most frequently on LinkedIn, and Instagram. You can find me @AlexandraBCarter. I also have a website. It's AlexCarterasks.com I have free resources there that you can download. I also have digital courses and ways to connect with me on a number of levels online. I'm on a mission to help millions of people ask for more. And if you are listening to this, I want to be your partner in your long term success. And so whether that means we are hanging out on social media, and I'm cheering you on or you want to get in touch for something more, just know that I am rooting for you.
Molly Dare 47:11
Alex, thank you so much for joining us today and sharing your incredible knowledge and negotiation tactics. And I definitely encourage everyone to please grab a copy of this book because negotiations are something we all encounter and many different aspects of our lives and would love for everyone to be prepared. Definitely grab that book. And thank you for joining us today and look forward to seeing you next week with another powerful story of inspiration and motivation.
Thank you so much for listening to this episode of On Air with Molly Dare. Your support means everything to me and to the guests who are sharing their personal stories. The best way to support this podcast series is with a five star rating on iTunes, writing a quick written review, give me all the feels and I read every single one and it means so much. If you screenshot your review and send it to us, you will be entered into our monthly giveaway and who doesn't love free stuff. The best way for this podcast to grow is by word of mouth and I would love for you to tell a friend share on social media. tag me in your stories if there's an episode or guests that really hits home for you. If you are interested in learning more about what I do or one received my Mondays with Molly video series with insights on each episode and my personal takeaways, head to mollydare.com. And you can sign up there. See you next episode and in the meanwhile, do something daring this week.
