Kendra Allen is a breakup coach, host of the Heal Your Heartbreak podcast, and founder of Breakup Bestie, a resource that helps people heal after a breakup. She has been featured in Cosmopolitan, The New York Post, and dozens of popular podcasts, and she joins the show today to talk about the lessons in the heartbreak.
Listen in as Kendra shares why 99% of the time, a breakup is actually a blessing in disguise, as well as how to find the opportunities for growth during heartbreak. You’ll hear her advice for anyone struggling with a breakup today and how to focus on yourself during a breakup so that you can come out the other side as a happier person—and a better partner for the next person lucky enough to be in your life.
What You’ll Learn:
Why Kendra launched Breakup Bestie during an engagement.
Why you should never wait around for your ex.
The stages of a breakup.
How to keep yourself from reaching out to your ex.
Why you don’t need to hate your ex to let them go.
Ideas Worth Sharing:
“If you’re not taking the time to pause during your breakup, you tend to go through multiple breakups at once.” - Kendra Allen
“I spent most of my life looking for my worth in somebody else.” - Kendra Allen
“I’ve survived 100% of my breakups.” - Molly Dare
"There is nothing more motivating than being in pain.” - Kendra Allen
Resources:
Transcript:
Molly Dare 0:07
Hello I am so excited to be joined today by the amazing Kendra Allen. Kendra is a breakup coach, host of the heal your heartbreak podcast and founder of breakup bestie. She has been featured in cosmopolitan Elite Daily, the New York Post and dozens of popular podcasts. Kendra, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today.
Kendra Allen 0:27
Thank you so much for having me.
Molly Dare 0:29
Kendra, as I was saying, in the first season of this podcast, we had a relationship coach on a few of them. And it got such amazing feedback. And we talk a lot about you know, finding the right one and finding the right partner. But there's really not a lot of discussion on what happens when that doesn't work out. And and you know, so many of my listeners are very driven, they're entrepreneurial, they're in their careers, and then they go through this relationship kind of trouble. And they let it sidetrack them, and they don't know how to kind of move forward. So I'm so appreciative of you joining us today.
Kendra Allen 1:05
Yes, yeah, I, I get that reaction a lot, where anytime I tell people what I do, they're like, I can't find that. Like, it makes no sense that that wouldn't have existed before. Because they're like, Yeah, of course, you need help going through something like a breakup.
Molly Dare 1:20
And I think it's great, because what you say is, you know, and as you're just saying right now is you discovered the need because you yourself went through a series of painful breakups. And I mean, listen, the best person to give advice is someone who's been there and done that.
Kendra Allen 1:33
Yes. Exactly.
Molly Dare 1:35
A few times. And is that when you kind of realized that, Where's where's my breakup bestie?
Kendra Allen 1:40
Yeah, so the biggest aha moment for me was I actually I launched a breakup bestie while I was engaged, so I was a little bit out, I was like, you know, out of the trenches of a breakup. But what the connection that I made was part of a big other part of my story is I got sober when I was 21. And when I admitted that I needed help with drugs, and alcohol, there was so much out there for me to get help with, I like got to go into a treatment program, therapy, support groups, everyone, you know, threw themselves at me like to help me and there was books, and there's just so much material and so many resources and so much structure, I will say, I think the big part is the structure. And then, you know, years down the road, when I went through my first sober breakup, which I will say a lot of the time, especially if you're, you know, not taking the time to pause during your breakup, you tend to go through multiple breakups at once. So for me, I went through a breakup in 2015. And it was kind of the last four breakups I had gone through all at once. And I went to, you know, look up at what kind of help there was. And there was nothing like the same kind of resources as when I got sober, there was no structured do this, then I'm very big on, give me a to do list of 10 things, and I will happily knock it out. And I'm sure a lot of the listeners who are entrepreneurial love lists and that like step by step kind of things. So there was just nothing out there. And it wasn't anything at the time where I thought, I'm gonna start this. But for me, I embarked on this journey of figuring that out, I got to this place where I was literally calling people that I knew who had gone through divorces, and I said, Will you get coffee with me? And I would sit down with people and just say, What do I do? I became a sponge, anything that someone mentioned, do this journal exercise, get this book, listen to this, I did all of it. And over the next couple years, as I got through, I mean, it didn't take me a couple years to get through the breakup. But once I was out of it over the next couple years, I became the breakup bestie in my circle, where people would say, either like, I have a friend of a friend that went through a breakup where you talk to them. And so I became, you know, kind of the breakup bestie in real life with friends. And then as I was going through a career transition, that thought was always in the back of my head. There's nothing out there for breakups. There's nothing out there for breakups. And I'd always been in kind of a coaching space in my career, whether that was health and wellness, or I was a sobriety coach for a little while as well. And so I was always in that coaching role. So that's what led me to just start the Instagram I said, I'll start an Instagram and I'll see if people like it, and that was in 2017.
Molly Dare 4:44
Wow. And you know, it's so interesting. What you just laid out because a lot of us spiral whether it's you know, with alcohol as you said, you got sober or whether it's with relationships. It all kind of goes into this spiral and I love it. You pointed out how important it is, you know when With alcohol or drugs or anything else, you get a sponsor, you get somebody, right. And when you go through these relationships spirals, there's no sponsor there, if you're lucky to have a bestie, who knows what they're doing, that's great. But it's so important to have that person. So I just am such a fan of what you're doing. You know, there's, there's so many questions, I love going through your social media, because you cover so many topics I pulled out if you kind of have a favorite, if you don't mind, just kind of running through your latest post, actually, which I love is you said, You posted, you don't find your worth in a person, you find your worth within yourself, and then find a person who's worthy of you remember that
Kendra Allen 5:44
I that was my post, and I like get chills, and not my quote, by the way. But it's it's very powerful. It's very powerful, and very much relates to my own story. I, I spent most of my life looking for my worth in someone else. And I think a lot of us do that.
Molly Dare 6:01
Mmhmm. Absolutely. In fact, so I'm 43 and single, I'm divorced, and a single mom of two of two girls. And I definitely have realized later in my life, that I'm not going to find my perfect match until I whole like, I am whole as myself. And I think when we're young and as I have two teen girls, so I'm trying to teach them right during these really tough times. And this is why this conversation is also important, because even if you're not going through a breakup right now, you're going to be raising kids who you know, for those of you who have children who are going to be going through a breakup, and I'm trying to now guide as my kids are going kind of through their first breakups. What do I say in this moment? And how do I teach them that you don't need that other person for validation? Yeah, that you are whole by yourself. And if you're lucky enough to find a partner that just adds to your life. But that's not going to complete you. But it's a very hard dynamic for them to understand.
Kendra Allen 6:58
Yeah, and I think, I mean, man, if I if I could understand this when I was a teenager who would have saved, what to save a lot of time. But I think I think I love helping people through the actual process of breakups. But I think, I think it's even bigger than that. Because I think if we have this idea that being single is bad, being single is scary, going through a breakup is impossible. We have all these perceptions of what breakups and singlehood means. And because of that, I think it forces us to be in relationships where we're not necessarily happy. And it prevents us from fully being our most authentic self with in the relationship. Because if my top priority, a lot of people put, I just want to be in a relationship, that's my top priority. If that's your top priority, you're going to start making and they might be subtle at first, but you're going to start making sacrifices for from who you are, to be to fit yourself into this relationship. So I love being able to show people that, yes, breakups are really hard. But they're also really exciting in a lot of ways. And most and not even most 99.9% of the time. There are some kind of blessing in disguise in that. So if you feel confident in the fact that you know how to handle yourself while going through a breakup, I guarantee you're in your next relationship, you are not going to act in a way that just wants you to be in the relationship, you'll just be yourself and no, if it doesn't work out, I'm going to be okay.
Molly Dare 8:36
That is such a great point. Because I think a lot of people are so scared of the emotions and the turmoil that they're gonna go through. If it happens that they will sacrifice so much to stay in it. And I love that you pointed that out. And I think you know, there's that quote, I've survived 100% of my worst days. Pretty sure I'll survive this one too. I've survived 100% of my breakups. Yeah, I'll survive this one too. And we shouldn't settle. Another thing that you say is never ever ever wait around for your ex. I'd love for you to expand on that one.
Kendra Allen 9:10
Yeah, that one is you know, it's I've always had this fear the last couple of years that I'm going to run out of things to talk about, but I like there's always, I always get like themes and messages and people that I'm talking to what's going on but that's been a thing I've been really on lately is to just there's honestly like, there's never an excuse to wait for an ex on in my opinion. Maybe someday someone will give me a valid excuse. I've yet to hear one. I even had my audience right like why are you waiting for your ex and I read through hundreds of reasons. And I'm like none of these. None of these are valid enough reasons to sacrifice your own emotional peace and your emotional security to wait around for someone else. So a lot of times when breakups are happening, and I also try to do a lot of focusing and on the people that end the relationship because they're you know, there's this perception that if you ended the relationship, you're not in pain you didn't put thought into it, you're just cutting and running. But a lot of times when someone ends the relationship, whether, whether they actually believe it at the time, or they're trying to cut the pain or soften the blow, they'll say, Well, who knows, maybe someday we can work out or someone will break up with someone saying, I just need space, I need to focus on my career, I'm just not ready for a relationship yet. I'm, you know, dealing with my parents sick, this, you know, one of 1000 different reasons. And when you're going through a breakup, you don't want to be going through a breakup if you're on the other side. So you will cling on to those, maybe someday, they just need to sort some things out. And then you don't actually go through the process of letting go, I believe it, every single person can make it through a breakup if they want to. It's the people that choose not to go through the breakup that ended up years down the road not being over it. So there's just yeah, there's just no reason because even if you were to let go and move through the healing process, and something were to happen, where your ex came back into the picture, it's not going to ruin your chances. If anything, you've worked on yourself, you've healed like you've become even better on the other side. So it's not going to ruin your chances. So if your relationship basically, if your relationship is meant to be it's going to be whether you let go or not. But most of the time, what happens when someone waits, is they just wait and wait and wait. And then a year later, they're still in the exact same position, and they still have to go through the breakup.
Molly Dare 11:42
Remind me and this is so embarrassing to say, when I was in college, and I had been with the same guy since high school all through college, and it was, you know, on and off, and he had written me an email, and I printed it out. And I saved it in my wallet. And I would carry it with me everywhere. Because I had one line that said, maybe one day, right? And that little piece of hope. And that one little line kept me in this relationship that I never should have been. But it's because I held on to that like that one thing that was said, and I look back, I'm like, oh, Molly, I can't believe
Kendra Allen 12:16
we've all done it. Yes, no. And I said, I'm working on a course that is more instructive on if you're going to break up with someone, here's the best way to do it. And that's my thing. Don't do not give them a shred of hope. I don't care if it makes you feel like you're being the bad guy, quote, unquote, it's the most respectful thing that you can do is to just say this relationship is over. Whether you think someday maybe or not, you can't say that.
Molly Dare 12:42
You actually just point out something really great. There's what if you're on the other end? Right? What if you're the person doing the breaking up? It's still hard. There's in relationships that I've had to end, it's still painful, you still go through all the grieving process, you still care about those memories in that that relationship? It doesn't mean you didn't love that person, you know, sometimes, and it's hard for for both parties, you actually you kind of have a course for getting through all the stages of a breakup. What are the stages of a breakup?
Kendra Allen 13:12
Yeah. So if we want to, you know, break it down into I mean, there are so many stages. It's funny, I recorded an episode of my podcast on the stages of a breakup. And as I was recording this, I was like, I hope this is making sense, because it's normal, if we're saying there's like six stages, it's normal to go from six to one to three to four, like in the same day. But generally speaking, the beginning is the the shock that the rug was just ripped out from underneath me, the first thing to focus on I tell people is just survival. So whatever you have to do to make it to work, to make it to your commitments and your responsibilities, to eat to end, like pretty much anything you have to do, whether that's, you know, stay with a friend, you know, it's just survival mode. The next is really starting to, I call it like detox your ex, but starting to remove certain things in your life and getting rid of the triggers that are around you. So that's, you know, I'm a big fan of the No Contact Rule if unless you share children, which obviously, you know, there needs to be communication there. So detoxing, and then the next phase, I tend to go through as I call it, like breakthrough, which is taking a look at processing the relationship. So that's what worked, what didn't work. If you could go back and do it over again, what would you do differently? What are some good things that came out of this relationship, all of those things, and then the next one is like starting to think about taking all of those lessons that you learned from the breakup and how are you going to implement it moving forward in your relationships?
Molly Dare 14:53
You know, I'm reminded of what I see happen often with with my friends or peers as they're going through breakups, and I'm guilty of it myself, is when we post those passive aggressive posts hoping that the person sees them or reads between the lines checks to see if they're watching, how do we stop doing that? Or is that? Do you feel that that's good to do to put it out there? Or should we not be doing that?
Kendra Allen 15:19
It's fun. I know, it's funny. Every time I'm, if I'm following someone on Instagram, I can be like they're going through a breakup. Even if they don't post it. I'm like they're going through a breakup. So it's hard because I get this question asked a lot, if my ex still watches my Instagram stories. In some ways, they're like, it feels empowering, that I can show them what they're missing and all that stuff. But my whole thought is, where are you putting your energy, I think a lot of breakup stuff is where are you putting your energy healing takes a lot of energy. And so if you are putting really any amount of energy into your ex, which if you are, if your ex, if your ex follows you, or you can see that they're looking at your stuff, anytime you go to post something, you're gonna think about what they think about it, you're gonna, it's just, it's giving them way more headspace than they deserve. And you're already thinking about your ex a lot. So my whole thing is, remove any kind of thing that will make you think about your ex, because you're already gonna be thinking about them too much. So I tell like, remove them from your Instagram, because that should be your space, you shouldn't have to, I don't know, you just shouldn't be giving that much thought to what your ex is going to think about it, your whole thing is focusing on you. That's my big thing is so many people focus too much on their ex when they're going through a breakup when it's very little is about your ex, it's mainly about you.
Molly Dare 16:45
So true. And as you said earlier, what I also want to touch upon is, it is such a great time, as horrible as it is obviously for any relationship to end, and that's friendships or breakups, whatever that is, you know, that comes to an end, it is a great time to be self reflective. It's like how can I use this to better myself to be a better partner for the next person who comes along. And you also said, your social media, if you don't let go of the wrong person, you will want to have space for the right one.
Kendra Allen 17:15
Yeah, yeah. And I think, you know, especially like speaking to a highly motivated audience, which is, you know, your your listeners, we can be really highly motivated. But there is nothing more motivating than being in pain, we will do anything to get out of that pain. And we get very, I believe, we get very few opportunities in life where we hit, you know, we'll call it a rock bottom, where we'll say, Okay, I'm gonna call that therapist that I've been thinking about for a long time, I'm going to actually address things that have been simmering for a while, it's like it's a, it's just a great forced pause, to reassess, reflect, yeah, you want to focus on the relationship that just happened. But you also maybe want to, you know, you go to therapy, and all of a sudden stuff from your childhood comes up. There's just there's so many opportunities for growth and healing to happen when we go through a breakup, because we are, we're highly motivated by pain. And we don't get a lot of times in our life where we will do that. I also tell you that breakups give you guts. And it's really important to take advantage of that there's a reason people chop their hair go travel to Europe by themselves. Like there's a reason people do that, after a breakup. It's because we kind of get this like f it attitude, and use I love that, like use that to your advantage.
Molly Dare 18:37
I'm all about F it attitude. Great time, I think it's a great time for growth. And and I think, again, going back to what we can learn from the things that go wrong in our life is really empowering. Once you get through the hurt of it and the pain of it, it really does empower you. Another great mindset shift that you talk about is you don't need to hate your ex to let them go. And I really struggle with this because I've had many conversations, a relationship that I ended, you know, just a year ago, there was no hate, there's no you know, there's no big moment that happened or there's nothing I could be like, be angry, we just kind of grew apart. And it's like, it's so hard for me to let go. It's almost easier for me to let go when I can point the finger and be like that person did that. And that's why we're not together. But when I love that you said that you don't need to hate your ex to let them go. But that's hard.
Kendra Allen 19:29
It is hard. And you know, I have an episode like but what if my relationship was great, and I get that a lot? So, breakups caused so much pain, that it's hard for us to rationalize I'm in so much pain, but the ending of my relationship was very anticlimactic. So we almost want something bigger to point to. This is like a, you know, a dumb example but I think it illustrates it like if you broke your ankle by just walking your dog. And you know, you want something like more exciting to say like, oh, I, you know, I'm in so much pain, and it was this big extravagant thing that happened that caused this to happen. So we, I think we struggle with the cause and effect of that. But I also tell people, when you're coming out of a good relationship, to me, I'd say you're way more likely to find another great relationship, even better relationship as whereas when you're coming out of something maybe toxic or just an awful relationship you have, I would say, like you have some serious growing to do until you can attract someone who's really great. But if you come out of a good relationship, your bars already high, and you're not going to go below it, you're not going to downgrade after that, you're only going to go up from there. So I tell people like to me, it means you're on a really great track, if you came out of a good relationship, to go into something even better.
Molly Dare 20:56
So true. And one of the really helpful pieces of advice that you give Well, all of its very helpful, is I do love what you talk about is journaling. And you give some journal prompts, to help in your healing. And another thing that I do in my life is crisis management of public figures. And the first thing that I do when they come to me in a state of you know, frazzled, they've, you know, something bad has happened. And they're angry, because they're getting called out on it, I go write out, whatever you want to say, but send it to me first. Write it out there, don't don't post it, don't whatever, but just like, get it out. And so I truly believe that journaling, writing it down, typing it texting, whatever. But don't press post or send. I'm just getting it out. And that's why I think journaling is so so great. But you do talk about three specific journal prompts. The first one is what do I want to learn from this breakup?
Kendra Allen 21:48
Yeah, yeah. And I think there's this, there's this mindset, when people are coming out of a breakup that it was a waste of time, I wish I never met them, we get into that, which doesn't, you know, that doesn't serve anyone to say I wish, you know, because one, you can't go back and change the past. But also it, it allows you to feel like the pain that you're going through is for something bigger, when we just think we're in pain just to be in pain, you know, it's it's miserable. Or if we think, Okay, I'm pushing through this to reach a goal, we're a lot more likely to feel okay, going through that. So that's, it's like this larger motivation. And it makes us feel like it's worthwhile because it is a no relationships, a waste of time, it's either going to teach you something about yourself, what you like, and a partner, what you don't like and a partner. But so few people take the time to reflect on that.
Molly Dare 22:46
Absolutely. And another great journal prompts that you gave is, if I could say anything to my ex right now, what would it be and again, it's kind of just discussed, it's just getting it out on paper, because when you keep it inside, it's just like it festers for too long. And when you put it out on paper, you kind of put it out in the world. And then you close the book, you know, I kind of let it out. What is one last piece of advice, you could tell someone who just today got dumped got blindsided, it's just really struggling today, as they're listening to this, what is one piece of advice you would give them?
Kendra Allen 23:16
So I think it's kind of, I would say two parts. If we're just focusing on something. The first one is just remembering like this is going to pass. I remind people, there's a reason why your friends who are in relationships aren't great at helping you through breakups. It's because we pretty easily forget what it feels like. So if you think about it, that way, you're not going to remember this depth of pain down the road. So it's going to pass and then the second thing is don't go through it by yourself even if you think your friends can't relate. Even if there's this this internal dialogue that we get that we're burdensome by asking for help or we're leaning out we're asking for too much help or venting too much everyone goes through something in a friend group you know so it's like this Just think about it like this is your time to soak all soak up all the support so I asked to see people in person call people on the phone say hey, if when I want to text my ex is it okay if I text you things like that, but just don't go through it by yourself.
Molly Dare 24:22
Oh my gosh, I love having that friend that I'm like I need to text you and otherwise. Everyone needs that one person for sure. Kendra, where is the best place for everyone to find you and follow you and sign up for everything?
Kendra Allen 24:36
Yeah, so the best place to find me is on Instagram @yourbreakupbestie and all of my you can find all of my courses and my the link to my podcasts on there. My podcast is heal your heartbreak. You can find it on any podcast channel and then my website is breakupbestie.com
Molly Dare 24:54
amazing. Kendra, thank you so much for joining me today and talking about something that all of us have faced Some of us will face again and reminding us that there are always lessons in the heartbreak and thank you everyone for tuning in and see you next week with another powerful conversation
thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of On Air with Molly dare. Your support means everything to me and my guests. The best way to support this podcast is with a five star review on iTunes. The best way for this podcast to keep growing is by word of mouth. So if you love this episode and got a meaningful takeaway, we'd love for you to share on social media, tag me and the guests and we will be sure to share as well. You can also head over to our new website at Mollydare.com. Check out our fun shop with fun merch along with our Spotlight Series filmed features and all of our podcasts episodes. If you do get your hands on some on air with Molly dare swag. And of course our line of daring fear less and aggressive like are sweatshirts and hats and coffee mugs. It just gives me all the biggest smile and feels as always, please tag me when you receive your items. And I'll share on my social media as well. Nothing makes me happier than seeing all of you daring and fearless aggressive bikers out there wearing it loud and proud. Thanks again for listening and look forward to next week's episode.
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