I am so incredibly excited about my conversation today with Andrea Owen, an amazing speaker, coach, podcast host, and author with books published in 18 languages and found in 22 countries. Andrea is a straight shooter who speaks all about confidence, resilience, and power, and we’re going to be diving into all of that and so much more!
Tune in as we talk about the importance of managing your inner self-critic, how you can learn to speak your mind and stop worrying about the opinions of others, and how you can build the confidence to live life on your terms. Andrea also shares the four steps to unlearning the conditioning that is holding us back, why it’s important to cultivate curiosity, and of course, why you may want to consider hiring a coach to help you on your journey to living your best life possible.
What You’ll Learn:
How to live a kick-ass life.
The importance of managing your inner self-critic.
How to speak your mind without worrying about what others think.
How to unlearn your conditioning.
How to build confidence.
Why you should always stay curious.
What it means to be afraid of shining too bright.
Ideas Worth Sharing:
“We have to start really looking at the root of the problem, and that is the culture that raised us.” - Andrea Owen
“Literally zero people have success on their own.” - Andrea Owen
“I was born a seeker in a family that had no interest in seeking.” - Andrea Owen
Resources:
Andrea Owen: Website | Podcast | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram | YouTube
Make Some Noise: Speak Your Mind and Own Your Strength by Andrea Owen
How to Stop Feeling Like Sh*t: 14 Habits That Are Holding You Back from Happiness by Andrea Owen
52 Ways to Live a Kick-Ass Life: BS-Free Wisdom to Ignite Your Inner Badass and Live the Life You Deserve by Andrea Owen
The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks
TRANSCRIPT:
Molly Dare 0:07
Hello and welcome to On Air with Molly dare. I'm your host Molly dare, founder of Hillenbrand, media producer of the Spotlight Series, host of this podcast and single mom to two amazing teen girls. I am so excited for this conversation today with Andrea Owen. She is an amazing author and speaker, she speaks all about confidence, resilience and power. She has an amazing new book out right now called Make some noise, you definitely want to check that out. I love this conversation with her because she is such a straight shooter. And those are the people that I gravitate to. I'd like to surround myself with people who tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear, because so many people nowadays surround themselves with a yes people and they get caught in a kind of like a little bubble. And that keeps you from really seeing a viewpoint larger than just the one that you think. And I think that's really, really important. I also wanted to update you guys, because we do discuss at the end of her conversation about her sobriety and how tough it is, you know, to to give up something that becomes a part of your, your life and social life. And you know, for those who have been listening to me, I gave up a month ago. Coffee, processed sugar, and alcohol. And so I'm going to be honest with you and transparent about my journey this past month, we do touch upon it in this conversation, which was filmed a few weeks ago, but I'm gonna tell you where I'm at now. So I'm about a month in. And I gave it up first I want to say I gave all of it up because I was just feeling really sluggish. And I was having these dips of energy throughout my days where I would be fine. And then I crash and then I would use coffee to bring back up again. And then I would crash because of the caffeine. And so I wanted that to go away for sure. I also was just having like this fogginess, and I was having trouble focusing. And I do struggle with ADD. And so I think that's been a big part of it. But I really wanted to see I've been hearing so many people who have health benefits from either getting rid of the caffeine or rid of the alcohol or rid of processed sugars. I also want to say I didn't have like a huge problem with any of those three, it wasn't you know, none of them besides the coffee were like a daily, you know, occurrence or excessive. But it was in my life. It was definitely you know, in my life and in my nutrition every day. So I just wanted to see what it felt like to go without. So I made it 13 days, without the sugar sugar was the first I caved in on you guys. And I'm really shocked. I thought for sure it would be like the coffee or like a glass of wine really shocked by the sugar. But there was a platter of Dunkin Donuts, sitting on my kitchen table at a bunch of my girlfriend's in the house. And like you know what, Molly, it's 13 days, it's time to celebrate. You deserve to indulge. And so I did. And it was really delicious. And I have zero regrets. And I did have a glass of wine on the I think was the 19th or 20th day I did have a glass of wine I was out at the melting pot again with a bunch of teen girls because that's my social life. And I'm like, You know what, Molly it's been 20 days you can have a glass of wine and celebrate. And so what I realized is a) I do feel better. I do you feel better my energy is sustained throughout the day, I do not have the dips in the crashes that I used to. So that has been a big bonus. The other big bonus is my mental clarity. And my focus definitely increased 100%. The last one is I was finally able to button my skinny jeans. flat tummy is amazing. And so you know, I do see the benefits of it, I am going to keep it as part of my daily you know, life I'm going to go without, I'm not saying forever. But for right now. That's what I'm going to go without. However, in social situations, which I rarely have. Anybody who knows me, especially when I'm in Florida, I am either working or with my girls. And that's it. But when I travel and when I'm out with friends, and when I'm out, you know, meetings or doing whatever I do want to be able to indulge and not feel guilty about it. I do want to have that glass of wine, I do want to have that latte when I'm meeting someone for brunch. So I'm allowing myself those indulgences, those treats, I'm looking at more as a treat than as a staple. And that's just how you know I'm going to look at it for now. And I see the benefits from it. And that's my happy place in my happy medium that I think I've arrived to I would love to hear about your journey and where you are in your health journey for those of us in our 40s I think it's really important that we assess what's working and what's not so that we can be at our best for our families, for our work for our friends, for our relationships, whatever that is.
I'm loving this conversation today with Andrea Owen, and I know you're just gonna love her and love her truth and her straight shooting advice. So let's go ahead and get started with Andrea Owen.
Today I am joined by the amazing Andrea Owen Who teaches hundreds of 1000s of women tools and strategies to be able to empower themselves to live their most kick ass life through speaking her books, coaching and her podcast called Make some noise with over 3 million downloads to date. Welcome, Andrea. I'm so happy you can join me today.
Andrea Owen 5:18
I'm so excited to be here. Molly. Thanks for having me.
Molly Dare 5:21
Oh, so thrilled. So thrilled to have you. You have authored multiple books. I'm still trying to get through my first so I have a much appreciation for people who have done it all. Because it's a process. Yeah, your books have been translated into 18 languages available in over 22 countries. You guys got to get your hands on on these books. They're excellent. You know, I want to dive right into actually the first two books and I'm going to dive a lot deeper into your latest. Your first book that you release was how to stop feeling like shit.
Andrea Owen 5:51
No, that was my second actually. 52 I still have a kick ass life was my first.
Molly Dare 5:55
Okay, so let's go to 52 ways to live a kick ass life BS three wisdom to ignite your inner badass and live the life you deserve? What are some ways without giving away? You know, all of it 52? What's two ways that we can live kick ass life?
Andrea Owen 6:12
Wow, gosh, you know if there's several topics across the board that I talked about in that one, but probably one of the most important things in there is that universal is around managing your inner critic. So any kind of negative self talk that you have, it's unlikely that you will completely get rid of it. But there are ways to learn how to manage it. And then the other one I wanted to mention was about telling three to five people your secret dream that you have, you know, for you, it might be that you want to write a book, and it has to be the right people, not just anyone. But if you tell three to five people who would hopefully support you, there is some accountability in that and it can help you you actually take some action.
Molly Dare 6:53
I love that so much. I too believe that the words that we use not only to speak to others, but in how we speak to ourselves. There's times where I'm like, Would I ever say that to someone else? What I'm saying to myself like no, never right? We're so hard on ourselves. I love that so much in your second book, How to stop feeling like shit 14 habits that are holding you back from happiness. I gotta say I love your title. So give us a hint of one of the habits that you feel are holding us back.
Andrea Owen 7:22
You know that I want to back up like just a little bit because that book was born from if anyone listening who loves self help, they probably know who Brene Brown is. And I in 2014 I was I was honored to get certified trained and certified in her work in San Antonio. And she talks about in her research around shame and connection and courage. She talks about something called armor. And it's the behaviors that we employ when we're trying to avoid criticism, failure, judgment, shame, you know, there's places that none of us want to go to. And in her research, she talks about perfectionism, foreboding joy, which I also called catastrophizing, it's kind of, you know, rehearsing tragedy, rehearsing the worst case scenario, as well as numbing out. And she briefly mentioned in our in our training, that there are other ways that we use our armor, and she says, discuss those with your group. And as I, over the years started discussing those with my group, there was a list and I work predominantly with women, the vast majority of my audience is women and I came up with 14 of them. Probably the most common I cannot narrow down to just one. But the most common would probably be people pleasing, perfectionism control and numbing out.
Molly Dare 8:39
Hmm. So good. And the reason why I bring up your previous books, but we're gonna dive deep into your most recent book is because I feel that they're all worthwhile. They each have different lessons and impacts. And so not only to buy the most recent, but to all three of them, they all have value, and they all are worthwhile. I do want to go to your latest book, make some noise, speak your mind and own your strength, which came out this past August? How can people gain the confidence to speak their mind and stop worrying about others opinions?
Andrea Owen 9:08
You know, I wish I could say it's as easy as just deciding.
Molly Dare 9:13
IF only
Andrea Owen 9:14
getting inspired by memes that we see on Pinterest and Instagram. And it's really not I think that men and women, I hate stereotyping. But at the same time, in my experience, it's gendered. You know, like men have different struggles than women do. I'm not saying one is harder than the other. But for women, the cultural conditioning that we have been brought up in tells us that we should be quiet that we shouldn't speak up that we shouldn't rock any boats or make any scenes. And I'm not saying in this book, like you should start flipping tables and flipping people off. Like that's not really the way to get what you want and it's not. To me that's not what confidence is like you still have to be respectful and and Clear and kind, at least the first time you're setting boundaries or having conversations, but it's it's really about to the short answer is about unlearning a lot of the conditioning and socialization that we have received as little girls, because it sticks with you. And of course, like there are some things that we have to do to be able to not be ostracized by our communities and our colleagues and things like that. So, again, the bottom line is that we have to start really looking at the root of the problem. And that is the culture that raised us.
Molly Dare 10:36
You know, you brought up the unlearning. And at the end of each chapter, you walk readers through what you call the unlearning. And there are four steps. What are those four steps? And why is it important to put that at the end of each chapter?
Andrea Owen 10:47
Well, I, I like people to take action, when they read self help books like this is no shade, I'm going to grab one of the books to make sure I get all the steps in the right order. This is no shade on people who, you know, read self help books while they are at the gym, or, you know, like on audiobook and things like that. I've done that too. But I think if people are really interested in changing their life, it can be enormously helpful to do the work and a lot of self help books have, at the very least they pose questions to the reader, especially if they're written by therapists or coaches. And what I want people to do is have just some kind of, I mean, more or less a workbook, if you will, to, to be able to take that action. And the first the first step is to pay attention to notice, you know, you have to, you can't unlearn what you don't know is happening if it's unconscious. So it's about like, Let's take, for instance, trying to think of an easy one, I write about money in this book. So let's take the money chapter like, start paying attention to your relationship with debt star, paying attention to any of the role models that you had growing up, who were wealthy women who were self made, you probably had none. So start paying attention and noticing those types of things. And even start noticing, if you have made up stories about that it's hard to make money, that it is too difficult for you to learn how to invest. And you don't even know where to start when it comes to hiring a financial advisor. So that's just the noticing part. And the second one is to to get curious about it. So it's not necessarily about okay, I noticed and then I take massive action. If you want to do that. My hat is off to you. And I'm cheering you on. But typically, that's not how it works. That is a huge ask, that's like going from A to Z and one hot second. So get curious, why do you think that you didn't have any role models growing up? Who were self made women? Why do you think that that you have, you know, gotten to your 30s or 40s? And and not looked into a retirement plan at all? Why do you think that is? Hopefully you can ask those questions and get curious without a whole lot of judgment. It's just standing back and asking that question. Why do you think that that is the way this is? Why do you think that you have those beliefs, which brings me to the third one, and that is self compassion, because we tend to beat ourselves up over it, especially all the time about money, if you have gotten yourself into 10s of 1000s of dollars in debt, or if you have a ton of student loan debt, you know, and self compassion is tricky. It's one of those things that is can feel like three steps forward and two steps back, it feels that way for me a lot of time to for the sake of transparency. Self Compassion is key here. And then the last step is to keep the momentum. So that is it's not just a one and done. It's continuing to notice your stories around money, it is continuing to get curious when you find yourself in a dichotomous thinking of it is this way, there's no other way. So it just keep keep going, keep keep going on.
Molly Dare 13:49
Those four steps are so so important. In you know, my world of entrepreneurship, there's so many female entrepreneurs who listen to this podcast, you know, where people get stuck is taking the action is taking that action step they have the ideas they have, you know, it's just enough first step. It's like it's okay, if you don't know all the steps. You don't have to have it all figured out. But just take the first one and then it kind of lights up along the way. You know, the beginning of the book is all about taking up space, and what you call shining too bright. What do you mean by that?
Andrea Owen 14:19
There's a reason that I called it shining too bright instead of shining bright. And the idea came to me when I was reading Gay Hendricks book, The Big Leap. And if you have a big entrepreneurship audience, they have probably read it or at least heard about it. It's a great book. And he talks about one of the fundamental fears that most people have is the fear of outshining others, and he gives a really great example in that book, but I felt like it was kind of a quote unquote, straw man that he had created. And I was thinking about my own audience. And I had had a session with a client, and I write about her in the book and she was talking about her success and feeling you know, you're kind of getting to the bottom of what was holding her back And what came about is that she was nervous about having too much success because she was afraid she was going to make her sister feel bad. Her sister wasn't as ambitious as she was, she had fallen on hard times she had lost her job, she always struggled with her weight and just just had a different life than my client. And so it got me thinking about this whole concept of like how often we as women, because partly because we are taught that we are not to outshine others, because if we do, it will make them look bad or feel bad. So I posed that question to the reader, is there anyone that you can think of that you might unconsciously be protecting, using air quotes, and holding yourself back, it could be a parent, you know, if you are someone who makes more money than your parents ever did, combined with their dual income, or if you are someone who maybe were the first person to go to college or an advanced degree in your family, or if you were more successful than one of your siblings, or, or if you out earn your husband, if you're in it, especially if you're in a heterosexual relationship, these are the types of things that I want women to think about where they are almost. And sometimes we were afraid to admit it, like we're embarrassed and ashamed of our own success.
Molly Dare 16:13
Oh, my gosh, it's so true. And you touched upon that. And I feel like there is a difference between men and women. Sometimes men have no problem bragging about themselves, we look at them when they do is like powerful and amazing when they talk about their accomplishments. And then when women do it, like they're almost like apologizing for the fact that they're announcing what award they want, or what accomplishment they had, and it's followed by like, oh, but you know, it was it was there were so many people involved, it wasn't just me, like, don't apologize for what you've done, you know? Yeah, proud about it. You know, and I never thought about it in the way that you are protecting, you know, possibly your partner or someone else in your life who you think will feel less than and then instead of happy for you, right, accomplishing that achievement.
Andrea Owen 16:55
Well, it's interesting. Did you watch the morning show on Apple TV?
Molly Dare 16:59
I haven't but everyone says I've got to watch
Andrea Owen 17:01
okay, it doesn't matter. Because I'm sure that you kind of can figure out based on like the marketing and like the caregivers are Jennifer Aniston plays a woman who is a famous, she's kind of like a Regis from like, Regis and Kathie Lee, or like a Matt Lauer. Katie Couric type, like famous for being on this, this very successful and popular morning show. And she is ambitious. And she kind of throws people under the bus a couple of times and screws people over and like, she's not that likable, especially in the second season. And I'm like, I don't like her. And especially Jennifer Aniston has played very few roles where she's not likable. So it was interesting in my point is that I found myself judging her as a character. But then I asked myself, would I feel the same way if she were a man? And differently, like, I probably still wouldn't like the character. But it wouldn't be because of the choices that he was making in his career, if that makes any sense.
Molly Dare 18:06
It translates differently. And I think we've come a long way. But we still have a long way to go. Obviously, it just it does. It translates differently. I believe it speaking of TV shows, you are a big fan. And this is for all the grease fans out there, which there are many you talk about your obsession with cha cha De Gregorio. Yeah, to be a little bit about that, because I thought she was the most fabulous when I watched that movie. I was like, oh, yeah, most people don't I want it to be cha cha too trust me.
Andrea Owen 18:34
Yeah. And her dancing like, Are you kidding?
Molly Dare 18:36
Yes The whole thing?
Andrea Owen 18:37
Well, it also like as a Latina, I think like any kind of a you know, Mexican American, whatever. Like, I was like, Who is this woman? Like, are we related? I am obsessed with her. But I was watching the movie. I was like on a retreat. My friend Elizabeth DeAlto had come to my hotel room when we were watching TV and like eating room service. And Grease was on TV. And she just sort of like absent mindedly like asked me like, Who's your favorite character? And I said, cha cha. And she was like, what? It was like, Are you kidding me? Like her confidence. Like, like, let's just take into account that she is not there to make any friends. She meets these people for the first time she's introduced, and she introduces herself as the best dancer at her school. Like who does that? Can you imagine? She knows what it takes to win she steals somebody else's partner because she knows he is better a better dancer than the date that she showed up with because she wants to win the dance competition. And then if you watch very closely, the scene in the gym where they famously ChaCha and Danny Zuko have their their dancing and the teacher comes up with the trophy and ChaCha snatches it out of her hand and waves it in the air. I encourage all of you to watch the movie again from the lens of really keeping your eye on her And what's interesting if you go and watch YouTube clips of her the comments section she is not like,
Molly Dare 20:06
no, she's like a villain. I mean, she is the villain in the in that, you know, movie.
Andrea Owen 20:12
Oh, I don't know maybe I have just like a soft spot in my hands for villains. But even if we look at like Ursula, the sea witch from The Little Mermaid, she was out to get what she wanted and just villainized villainize so much and I am like, well, like, let's just get curious about that, like, am I? Am I telling people to steal other people's dates at the dance competition? Or no, like, but if we could just take a quarter of the confidence that ChaCha and like Ursula the sea witch have
Molly Dare 20:40
what was fascinating to me because at the age that I was watching it that I was just enamored by her. I was the shyest, most quiet, insecure version of myself. And when I thought I was like, Oh, I wanted every part of her her hair, her dress her everything, because it was so opposite of what I was. And I wanted to find a piece of that in me, it was just to me at the time, it seems so foreign to me, how can people be their own cha cha, build that confidence?
Unknown Speaker 21:08
I think it really starts like with those four things that I that I outlined like it is, for some people, it's not that hard for them to feel motivated and inspired and start taking action. It really depends on your personality, it depends on a lot of different factors. It depends on the resources that you have, and things like that. But for others, it really, you know, I'm thinking about like, like, my husband and I are very different this way. I am impulsive. I'm spontaneous, I have a high tolerance for risk, which is fantastic for entrepreneurship. Not so great when it comes to drugs and alcohol. However, my husband on the other hand, he is more introverted. He is an observer, he likes to plan things out way ahead of time. And entrepreneurship isn't for him. It's too risky. It's just it's, it's too, it's too stressful for him. Because he likes to learn things proactively. And I learned things retro actively make the mistake and then learn. So I say that because I don't want people to feel like there's something wrong with them, if they are holding themselves back and holding themselves back and can't seem to take action, like their friend or someone they hear on a podcast. So for those people, I really encourage you to start journaling to start answering the questions in this book and just get curious as to why why you don't take action on the things that you know will help you build confidence.
Molly Dare 22:30
I love that and you are so correct. Entrepreneurship is not for everybody. It's been very glamorized these days. And people think, Oh, I'm gonna leave my nine to five. So I can have a life of leisure and work when I want to work? No, you're leaving your nine to five for a 24/7 is what
Andrea Owen 22:45
Yeah, with no benefits?
Molly Dare 22:46
No. And it's very risky. What you do you have to have a personality, where you're okay with risk. And yeah, I also feel that resilience, which is my favorite word, I think is a key indicator in someone's success in entrepreneurship. What are some tools people can use to build resilience?
Andrea Owen 23:05
You know, there's, there's a lot of different things. And I think that one tool that people can just do today is to think about the things that they've walked through, like the things that they have survived, everyone has a story, whether it was a difficult childhood, whether it was the heartbreak of a relationship or infertility or, or whatever it is the death of a loved one. The death of a pet, I mean, my gosh, that'll bring you to your knees. And it may seem like in someone might poopoo that and say like, well, that's that's stuff that everybody deals with. It is. And I think what sets people apart are the people who can not even bounce back quickly. But the people who can look back and say like, here's what I learned from that. It's not saying you're not saying that it didn't suck, but like, what did I learn from that? You know, when when my dad died in 2016, it was the first person that I'd ever lost who, who I was close to I hadn't lost. I mean, I wasn't close to my grandparents growing up. I hadn't lost anyone. And the grief process was something I had never experienced before. And what I did was I got the word surrender tattooed on my arm in my own handwriting, because what I learned from that experience was, I don't have control over situations like that, and my feelings and emotions and really just the roller coaster that is that experience. So it can seem like it's not related. But I think that when you take the time to reflect on those circumstances and situations, and what you have learned from it, I know in life coaching, we like to ask the question, like, what was the gift and all of this? And sometimes that question. There's a time and a place for that question. And if someone's in the weeds, don't ask it. Guy can answer that now because my dad died five, six years ago, but I think that in 95% of time circumstances, of course, there's some egregious things like the loss of a child or like a horrible, you know, violent act that's been that's happened to, you know, many times, there's just there's just not a gift. And I understand that. But a lot of times there is for other circumstances. So if you can think about that, and focus on that, even if it's just for a moment in time when you're journaling, that'll help you look at that through the lens of like, okay, I have survived some shit, like I can make it through, and and what else is in store for me? So just kind of, again, getting curious about things and looking at them closely.
Molly Dare 25:40
Yeah, no, and I love what you're saying about that. Because I do along with resilience being a really key attribute. It's that victim versus Victor mentality, right? That we have all the difficult stuff that we've gone through, and you have a choice at some point to play the victim, you know, for or be the victor and see, like, Okay, what is the gift? How can I use what I went through as a positive and stop blaming others for why you're in the challenge or the circumstance that you're in? And I think it's really, really important that people build the tools to know how to be the victor in a certain situation. Right?
Andrea Owen 26:14
Well, and I think I just want to add on to this, because I totally agree with you. And I think that that can get a little tricky and sticky. Because sometimes we're both, sometimes we're the victim and the victor, because I never want to undermine someone circumstance who truly has been the victim of a crime or an assault or, you know, even sexual harassment at work. And I think it really is, it's not up to me, it's up to the person and how they want to identify, because some people really need to be in that place where they feel like the victim.
Molly Dare 26:47
And that's a great clarification.
Andrea Owen 26:49
Yeah, yeah. And I don't ever want to take that away from someone because I think that, you know, this industry especially, we can get a little dismissive of people's experiences. And I never want to do that for someone. So my point is like, it can be both, it can be a paradox, and it can be both. And I think that you have to every individual has to make the right decision for them for what feels empowering.
Molly Dare 27:12
So, so true, and I am glad that you said that, because it really got me thinking of it in a different way. You bring up a phrase called lonely only. Can you clarify what this means? And how can someone tell if they are one?
Andrea Owen 27:26
Yeah. Well, we love like rugged individualism, you know, especially as Americans, we have grown up, I think you're younger than me, but like I was a child of the Reagan era, where it was very much like this rugged individualism and you, you pick yourself up by the bootstraps, and this this hyper independence, and I think, especially as the pendulum has swung, and I consider myself a feminist, and at the same time, I think some times, we can take that in as, okay, I've been told I can do and be anything I want. So I guess that means I have to do everything. And I have to do it all on my own. Well, looking great, well, you know, being dressed perfectly and wearing a full face of makeup and and dyeing my hair. Nobody is successful by themselves. literally zero people have success, whether that is professional or personal, on their own, through the village that has been assembled to create my personal and professional success is a large one, two, I think that we need to. I mean, I don't know about you, Molly, but I'm really like understanding why people go and join communes. And I'm like, okay.
Molly Dare 28:50
I get it. I do. I was actually having a similar conversation with a friend the other day I do I get it,
Andrea Owen 28:55
especially when my kids are bigger. Now they're 14 and 12. But when they were little, and I was trying to build a business like that is no joke. That is no joke at all. So I think that we, which is a whole nother conversation for another time, but the lonely only is someone who it's the feeling, it's that the notion that to be successful and to like win the trophy, we have to be hyper independent, we have to do everything on our own. And I'm not just making that exclusive to, you know, hiring a team or high you know, childcare and things like that. I'm talking about your stuff, your personal crises and dilemmas and challenges that we make up aren't that important, aren't that big of a deal? No one wants to hear them. I'm too embarrassed. I can admit that. I have all these problems. I'm ashamed of it. That will bring you nothing but negativity. Like that's not that's not a recipe for success.
Molly Dare 29:51
Well, you know, you bring up a team and when I look at like the most successful people that I look up to that that I think are just amazing people. Part of their team is A coach? Yes, they all have coaches, every single one of them. And you're obviously a very successful sought after coach, why do you think coaching is so important? And why should people hire a coach?
Andrea Owen 30:11
You know, I think I'm pretty damn smart. But I am always humbled when like one of my, and I'm lucky enough to have a lot of close friends that are also coaches, when they asked me a question that I have not even thought to ask myself, and I think a great coach, who has had training and a lot of experience, knows how to ask the right questions. I mean, you could even find a great therapist who can do that, like I'm all for therapy as well. And I think that, you know, there's a difference between therapy and consulting and coaching, but a true coach like true, whether you're, it's a corporate coach, or a career coach or a life coach, they will ask a lot of questions. And, and that's why, you know, I talk about this in the book about getting curious, like coaching is all about getting curious, like, you know, what do you think would happen? If you we have worst case scenario happened, you know, what do you what is most important to you, x or y or just like, these questions that we have been kind of like stuck in a loop on and we just asked the right questions that would give us the clarity that we need to make a decision.
Molly Dare 31:21
You know, and another common question I get when, when I talk about coaching, and how this is a common factor, and everyone who I see who is successful is when they should hire, when should I hire coach, it'd be when I'm just starting my business, should it be when I've reached a certain level of success that I'm getting all the above? Right? Because when I tell you, it's like, no, I have people who are 6789 figures, they all have coaches, sometimes multiple ones. I think it's really important that all steps of the way, right?
Andrea Owen 31:49
Yeah, it is. And I don't know, I go back and forth, sometimes with like, the times that I don't have a coach, like thinking about my own experience, I at least have a therapist, what I mean. And yes, I agree with you every step of the way is important.
Molly Dare 32:04
And I think no matter where you are in life, what you're dealing with, it really helps to have someone in your life who holds you accountable. And who tells you what you need to hear not not just what you want to hear, because we can all surround ourselves with people who you know, like, Oh, you're doing great. You're doing but who's going to hold you accountable? And that? You know, you didn't you said you were going to do this and you didn't get it done in time. Why is that? You know, you need to have people ask you those tough questions.
Andrea Owen 32:27
Someone else who sees like what you're capable of, I remember I had a client who, who was working for nonprofits, and she had always wanted to have her own consulting, a consulting firm and and just kind of like talked in circles around it and had all these excuses for it. And like she was in grad school, and she had like noble excuses for it. But also, I knew her well enough to know that she could handle anything that was thrown at her, she was that smart and capable. And so she she happened to say in a session went one day, she's like, I, I saw that this domain is available on godaddy.com, or whatever. And it was so perfect, because it was a play on words with her own last name. And you know, consulting, and I was like, You need to buy it. And she's like, Yeah, I'll buy it later. And I was like, we're gonna hang up the phone right now. And you're going to buy it, and then call me back. And she was so surprised that I did that. And it was because sometimes we have to have that like abruption of what we're doing, and not saying, I'm going to do it this afternoon, partly because like you drawing that line in the sand. And by you, I mean, like me as a coach and telling her like this is how important it is. This is how much I believe in you. And think that that's how much you should believe in yourself to take this action. Because when I knew that, once she had that domain, she was not the type of person that was gonna sit on it. She was gonna mess around or like, make her own website. And that was probably three years ago. And now she's left nonprofits. She has her own consulting firm, where she does consulting for those nonprofits. She has a full time employee, which I'm like, why? Oh, wow. And it was it's like those moments where and it's also tricky, because you have to know how your clients are motivated, like, some of them love that type of like, take me to the edge and push me off. Some of them just needs you to take take them to the edge and show them and that's what's motivating. Some people need a lot of self compassion. It's really helpful as a client for you to know how you are motivated, because then you can find the right coach, like I don't naturally lose self compassion, right? I have a friend, a colleague, who is like the kindest, most genuine, just loving person, she gives really great hugs. She's just she has that mothering nature about her. I don't think anyone would introduce me that way. And it's not saying that I'm a dick. Like it's just it's not what I lead with. It's not my strength. And so I think it's important because every coach as their strengths and I think it's important to don't hire someone who's like I can be all of those things. I mean, I just don't believe you
Molly Dare 35:08
No, absolutely. And I can say for my personal self, I do much better with tough love for people who hold me accountable to deadlines and don't sugarcoat it. And I need that because I will give myself an out wherever possible. And so I know that about myself. So I've got to for me to be able to accomplish those things in life and I'm sure there's a lot of people listening who are the same way I got to hold myself accountable because I also have a people pleaser part of me that I want to please the coach, right. And I want to make them happy to you know, I do want to talk to you about this because I nine days ago, I'm on day nine, not that I'm counting. I gave up caffeine, sugar, wine all at once.
Andrea Owen 35:48
Yeah, I know.
Molly Dare 35:50
I'm on day nine. I'm not making any promises for how long it's going.
Andrea Owen 35:54
What are you on the Enneagram? Do you know?
Molly Dare 35:56
I'm a three.
Andrea Owen 35:57
Okay. Okay. I know very little about threes.
Molly Dare 36:00
It's so funny that you said that because an episode right before yours is going to be Enneagram Ashton, where we talk all about the Enneagram.
Andrea Owen 36:06
Okay, no, I do know about threes. It's fours that I don't know a lot about three is very similar. I'm an eight. And I and seven and three came like in second place. So achiever, right?
Molly Dare 36:16
Yes. Okay. Oh, yeah. No, we dive all into it, right. And I'm like, oh, that's why I'm this way, right? It's a really eye opening episode. Some of it's not really comfortable with you kind of like, okay, that is part of me. And I have to own that, for the reason why I did it personally, is I was really lagging in energy, I was having these like dips, and my energy was all over the place my and I need to be like on 24/7 I can't have all these dips. And so I was like, let me just see what it feels like to be without all these things that are affecting my kind of an experiment. It's an experiment, but the way that I have to operate so this is why I want to I want to ask you because I know you are a decade sober, which is amazing. I, I didn't give myself like, I'm gonna do it for a year or six months. Because when I look at it that way, it seems like oh, no, I can't do it. Yeah. But when I said to myself, I'm just gonna do it for today and see how it feels. So far, I've made it nine days. And that's all I'm saying is, I'm just gonna do it for today and see how it feels. And I don't have some lofty goal of how long I'm going to keep it going for. So you who have been sober for a decade, which is incredible and amazing. What made you decide to live a sober life? And how has it changed your life being sober?
Andrea Owen 37:26
Yeah, how much time you got like, like trying to bottom line it, I always try to try to answer this through the lens of like, Who do I think is listening who needs to hear what part of my story. So drinking, honestly, was just sort of the last line of symptoms that I had, that I was using to try to run away from the pain of my life. And I you know, I was born a seeker in a family that had no interest in seeking. This is not to blame and shame my family. I love them dearly. We just have different destinies in terms of like what's truly important to us. And like what we were destined to do on this planet, as humans, I was destined to talk about really uncomfortable things that no one wants to talk about. And I was I was born like, the person that sees the elephant in the room and is like, there's an elephant, like, should we talk about it? And nobody else was like, NO. So imagine, you know, going through your entire life feeling like your feelings were wrong, feeling like they don't feelings don't solve problems. We make fun of feelings, like we just have one. And that's happy and enthusiastic. So I grew up feeling responsible for everyone's feelings, and also unable to express my own and when you grow up, and then you become an adult, you've stuffed that down for so long. A lot of times we employ behaviors, to try to get relief from that because it fucking hurts. And for a long time, I had an eating disorder. I was incredibly codependent. And that means that we, we get in everybody else's business. We love drama, we're postures, we try to insert ourselves into other people's problems, because we're trying to avoid our own it's just like our way of feeling wanted and important and worthy. So in severe codependence, I was obsessed with fixing a long relationship that I was in that was a disaster. And then I was also a love addict, where I was in and out of relationships, I fell in love very quickly and fell out of love. Just as quickly I used men and relationships and sometimes sex as my drug of choice. So I finally I had like my facedown moment in about 2007 I was pregnant with my my firstborn. I was in a relationship with someone who was a drug a drug addict, she lied about having cancer. Meanwhile, my my first husband had an affair with our neighbor and got her pregnant like my life was a wreck. I was 31 And I started listening to my therapist, finally, instead of like blaming everyone else, and like everyone else would just behave, my life would be so much better. I started going to 12 step meetings for codependence and for Love Addicts. I was like, Okay, this is my kryptonite, I need to surrender. I cannot control other people, I cannot control my life. Men are not here to solve my problems and to love me. Like, I needed to find my worthiness and self esteem through myself instead of other people. So I was like doing pretty well. And met my husband and I married to now had another baby. We were like, live in a suburban life, I started my business. And then I noticed that I was drinking a lot, you know, and it was just like, this was the sort of the, the genesis of mommy wine culture. This was 2009-2010. Yeah. And I was caught up in it. But I also had the gift of seeing my dad get sober when I was 18. And it was introduced to the concept of a high bottom alcoholic, or it's also called a functioning alcoholic, nobody would have known. And I had that gut feeling that if I kept drinking, I was at high risk for losing everything. And I was mad that I had to quit because I loved drinking, I couldn't imagine my life without alcohol, like honest to goodness, I felt like I wasn't going to be fun anymore. I was gonna lose who I was socially, personally, personality wise. And I was so scared and mad, and and also grieving this life that I had before. And what I was also grieving was the trauma that I had faced and not even realized how egregious that was, I was grieving so many things, just a couple of them were like, my single life of like being child free. Like when you get thrown into motherhood. No one can prepare you for what it's like to be home with two toddlers,
Molly Dare 41:59
like not many people are that honest about it.
Andrea Owen 42:02
I did not like that job. I didn't like the job of being a stay at home mom. And I had enormous amounts of shame around that of like wanting to work. It was just a lot of pain and fear and shame. And I tried to shove it down into a bottle of wine every night. And there's a saying in the rooms of the 12 step programs that it works until it doesn't. And I found myself in that place where it didn't work anymore. And I was pissed, because I wanted it to work. So I kept drinking, and I kept keeping it a secret. And I kept hiding wine bottles. And then one day I called my dear friend Courtney who had at that time, she probably had like five or six years of recovery. And I was so embarrassed to tell her that I thought maybe I had a problem. And I thought she would like gasp and she didn't. She was like, Okay, let's talk about it. And I quit. And that was 10 years ago, so So I didn't really answer your question. And like how, like, what is it like now? I don't know any other way. So it's, it's I'm at the point now 10 years out where it's kind of hard for me to remember the end there when I was active in that that place. But I think that more than like, I can't I'd be lying. If I was like, Oh, I'm sure that my business would have been terrible. Or I would have lost my kids. To be honest with you. And I'm not saying this to brag like I could have managed. Yeah, I could have managed to build a business and a speaking career and written books and still drank. And I would
Molly Dare 43:29
have been there's many functioning alcoholic who have built Yeah, amazing businesses,
Andrea Owen 43:33
for sure, I would have felt like such a hypocrite that would have been the biggest pain point. And I would have still not even started to look at some of the issues that I had.
Molly Dare 43:46
Thank you so much for sharing that. Yeah, I think it's really helpful to a lot of people who who are listening to hear that. Told So honestly, and vulnerably. And especially, you know, when it's talking about motherhood and how difficult it is, and that the feelings that you have are really confusing at times. And in a previous episode, we talked about, you know, the mom guilt that people have. And then I was in a conversation with a bunch of moms who are talking about how guilty they felt this about working and how horrible it was just like I don't feel guilty at all about working. Am I a bad person that I that I that I'm in it really like rocked me and I was like, I need to work like I think staying at home with the kids. One of the hardest jobs there is emotionally mentally physically like I had to get out and I had to work. But I think it's it's something that a lot of people battle with. There's also a lot of glamorization of the mommy wine, right and the wine culture and like the pretty cocktails and the meeting for drinks and so many things revolve around that that when you take it out, it can be like really scary. Like, am I still going to be included? Am I still going to be a part of people's lives if I don't partake in that act?
Andrea Owen 44:59
Yeah. And the truth is, is that I'm not like my social life changed. I am not gonna lie and tell you like nothing changed. I don't get invited to certain places. And the truth is like, do I want to be invited? I would say on half the time, yes. But half the time No, because it's just really not as fun when you're the sober one watching everybody get drunk and like, and then I start thinking about like, What an ass I was at times. And, and now I can joke about it, you know, when someone says, like, oh, you know, like, offers me a glass of wine? And I'm like, No, that's okay. You trust me, you don't want me drinking, because I would end up trying to make out with your husband or you, which is a lot. And That would have happened. But I just I think that going back to the mommy guilt thing, I came to the realization fairly early on, as a mother, that my children are going to grow up and talk about me in therapy, no matter what I do
Molly Dare 45:51
100%.
So I might as well do what I want. Of course, I tried to be the best mom possible for them. But I do it very messy. And I think the biggest gift that I can give my children is a couple of things, showing them what a mother and a woman looks like who, who demands like equal division of labor in the home, who, who stands up for herself who works when she wants to, as well as from an early age, I have talked about feelings openly, and do not make my children wrong for having them, no matter how much of a jerk I think they're being making it known that all of their feelings are valid. They are not responsible, and should not feel bad for any of their feelings. What they are responsible for is how they behave because of said feelings. That's what I wanted to make very clear to my children because I was not given that.
So important. So we have similar age children. So mine are, 13 and 16. And it's an emotional roller coaster, in this house. Of all the feeling we have all the feelings throughout the entire day from each hours different feeling. And you're right. It's it's not to be ashamed that those feelings come but how do you handle them is a great way to look at it. You have a short poem that's in the beginning of the book called Burn it down. Would you be able to read it for us?
Andrea Owen 47:11
I would. She had fire in her belly and she used it to summon her truth. She had fire in her soul and she used it to remember where she came from. She had fire in her heart and she used it to trust the women who came before her. She had fire in her spirit and she used it to show other women their own flames. She had fire in her eyes and she used it to burn it all down. She had fire in her every being and she used it to blaze a new path a new way, a new life.
Molly Dare 47:42
So it's so good. I know so many people are just gonna fall in love with you and want to work with you and find you and all the things. Where's the best place for people to reach out to you to contact you?
Andrea Owen 47:53
Probably either my website or the podcast. The podcast will tell you you know like what we have going on. I'm finally hosting retreats again this year, which I haven't done since 2018 so make some noise podcast or I'm @AndreaOwen and if anyone's on Tik Tok
Molly Dare 48:07
you are amazing on tik tok. Tik tok.
Andrea Owen 48:10
Yeah, I I love it over there.
Molly Dare 48:12
I just joined over there. okay with it.
Unknown Speaker 48:15
It's so it's the wild west over there. Tick tock is is kind of like how Instagram was in 2013. I have 70,000 followers.
Molly Dare 48:22
No, I saw you. I was like, I went over to check it.
Andrea Owen 48:24
I joined like in June.
Molly Dare 48:26
It's so crazy. But you know what's so funny? I I had said recently that I'm dating all the social media platforms. That's who I'm dating because I find it because the way I look at all the different platforms that we're all using, right? They're like all different boyfriends. They bring out different sides of me so so tick tock is like my funny boyfriend, the one that you have like, with LinkedIn, it's like my successful like really smart boyfriend Instagrams, my hot boyfriend, who I take all the photos with. Facebook is the one I settle down with and get married to, right.
Andrea Owen 48:54
He's a little bit older.
Molly Dare 48:57
But they all bring out different sides. If you like you're you're able to be creative in different ways on each. Yeah, so I'm having fun with that as well. And yeah, thank you so much for joining me today and giving my listeners some straightforward and tactical advice on how they too can speak their mind and own their strength. I always say to surround yourself with those who tell you what you need to hear and not always what you want to hear. And you're definitely one of those people. And thank you everyone for joining us today and see you next week with another powerful episode of inspiration and motivation.
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